A performance of a slightly earlier version is included on the FilKONTario 10 CD/tape, published by USB Studios and available from filk dealers.
Scene: A young lady stands by the kitchen table in a woodland cottage, studying a spoon she holds, slowly turning it back and forth and glancing from bowl to bowl to bowl. She cautiously samples one, looks up and speaks...
Too hot, -- or not enough, that is the question: Whether 'tis better for the teeth to suffer The scald and burn of He-Bear's porrage Or to take up spoon against the She-bear's serving And by its chill offend them? -- To dine, -- to sup, no more -- And by a sup to say we end The heart-burn and the slavering of jowls That hunger's heir to, -- 'tis a consumption Devoutly to be wished. To dine, -- to feed; -- To feast! perchance to dream: -- aye, there's the rub; For in that post-meal sleep, what Bears may come When we have shuffled off to Baby's bed, With mighty paws: there's the respect That makes camomile tea of such a meal. We fear the Bear, the whips and scorns of The omnivore wronged, the proud beast's contumacy, The pangs of miscooked gruel, rescue's delay The insolence of rangers, and their spurns That hasty munching on ursine oatmeal makes While we instead might our exeunt take From the bad bear-kin. Who would face the Bear, To gulp and sleep under a woodland roof, But that the dread of something after lunch, -- The unprepared-for classes, from whose bane No truant e'er escapes -- puzzles the will, And makes us rather ill those Bears we have Than face examinations that we know not of? Thus calculus makes sneak-thieves of us all And thus the mother's hope of erudition Is sicklied o'er with the child's lack of thought And aspirations of great worth and moment With this regard, like currants in mince pie, They lose the name of raeson. -- Soft he comes! The Bear of Wheatena. -- Feet, over horizons! I've all my sums remembered!
Performance tips: Don't rush it; let the character think about what she's going to say (and let the audience think about what she's just said). Don't over-emphasize the rhythm, but don't let it escape completely either. The odd word raeson is to be pronounced halfway between "reason" and "raisin"; attempting a mock-Scots accent may be the easiest way to get the right sound.
Permission is granted to reproduce, and perform, this poem for non-profit purposes only. Authorship information and this policy paragraph must be included with any reproduction. Acknowledgment of authorship during performance would be appreciated, as would feedback on the poem's reception, but neither is officially required. Filk is supposed to be fun, not work!
This was written in response to April Walters' "Writing As Thinking" questionaire, part of a study she was conducting. She suggested the Goldilocks theme and some possible patterns to fit it to, then asked us to analyse the process we followed. Since I think the questions were interesting ones, I'm including them and my answers below.
How did you choose which song/poem to set the story to: The two tunes suggested struck me as overused and hence uninteresting; I've heard too many Gilligan's Island filks. She did allow us to pick our own setting, but the "game" of fitting the story into the restrictions of a form she had chosen seemed worth playing. Hamlet was the remaining choice.
How did you choose your angle of approach: The "hot or cold" analogy to Hamlet's dilemma jumped out at me, followed by some of the puns, followed by the question of what turned our protagonist to a life of crime in the first place...
Describe the writing process: The first draft was an "instafilk" -- written on the spur of the moment, in a single pass, almost unedited, and allowed to evolve in its own way rather than being forced into a pre-selected outline. A large part of this was driven by considering the sound and rhythm of the original words; I worked with a copy of Hamlet at my elbow, drawing line-by-line parallels. My goal was to preserve as much of the feel as possible -- rhythm, vowel sounds, even Latin loanwords (quietus/exeunt) and idiosyncratic punctuation -- while avoiding excessive direct quoting. I honestly don't expect the audience to notice all the detail work unless they do a similar side-by-side comparison, but the effort of doing this tight match and making it "sing" helped drive the poem to completion.
What came easiest: I don't think I can pick out one thing that was easiest. Most of this was stream-of-consciousness: put the character in the situation, and then each time she gets stuck ask her the magic questions "why" and "so what". Perhaps the change in emphasis from "to sleep no more" to "to sup, no more" can be singled out as something that was a gift from my muse, but she was being unduly kind all the way through this effort. Let's hear it for inspiration -- and for investigators who know how to ask inspiring questions.
What part was hardest: Some of the phrases in the first draft were a bit awkward, and I need to let it rest for a while before I could usefully revisit them. Some such fixing occured even during the otherwise straight-through first draft; there were a few places where I had to pause before I could find a phrase I liked. Usually that arose because I couldn't find a way to retain its sound closely enough to suit the rules I was playing by; sometimes a later turn of phrase demanded a slight shift in earlier elements. Some of the plot twists arose directly as a result of "I can't find the right thing to say on this theme, so let's try a new one." For example, that's how I discovered what Golda was doing out in the woods in the first place..
How long did it take to write: At a guess, fifteen minutes for the first draft, mostly straight-line storytelling. Might have been twice that, since she didn't warn us that she was going to want an elapsed time measurement and I got caught up in it. Some words changed that same evening; some others and some awkward phrases changed the next day, and one phrase which I was dithering over changed two years later. (That last was the introduction of "from the bad bear-kin" as the parallel for "with a bare bodkin". The original phrase was "to a McDonalds", further defining Golda's age and motivations... but I've been told the insight was being lost during performance, and the opportunity for such a lovely Spoonerism is well-nigh irresistable.)
Why do you do other parodies: I find that the constraints of parody -- preserving sound and scansion -- are actually a spur to creativity. Searching for a word or phrase to fit the pre-existing form encourages me to discard fragments that aren't working before they can box me in. Going back to the original can offer new concepts to spin off from. And in songs it's especially helpful, since I'm still better at composing lyrics than original tunes.
How often do you write parodies: One or two decent efforts a year, when the muse strikes. Usually she strikes the back of my head with a fifteen-pound haddock. I make attempts more often than that, but they don't often result in something I'd consider worth publishing, even informally on my own website.
Why do you do it: Many answers, to at least two distinct questions. The first is "why do I write parodies" -- Sometimes it's the best way to present the subject matter I want to share with others. Sometimes a pun or a twist on a story presents itself and begs to be finished properly. Sometimes it's a tribute to another work, sometimes it's thumbing my nose thereat.
The other question is "why do I write at all" -- that's like asking why I sing to myself, or recite, or practice an instrument. It entertains me, and occasionally I come up with something which is good enough that it will entertain others as well. And often, it's a matter of my subconsious having completed much of the work before I ever consider that I might have something worth recording, polishing, and sharing with others.
Did you ever write a parody as a school assignment: The only truly creative writing I turned in as a class exercise -- not counting film reviews and so on, where I was expressing opinion or analysis rather than storytelling -- was a short SF story in 8th grade. If someone had thought of assigning parodies, I think that would have been very helpful in building both skills and confidence.
Miscellaneous Comments: NICE little exercise! Asking us to create a new parody and then analyse the process is a very good way to bring these details up to the surface where they can be studied!